I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
Randomize
