I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
using the left over highlighters from the blacklight party to study for finals. feeling the need to write insert penis here on my econ notes.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
Randomize
