I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
