the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
