What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
Randomize
