apparently i started the naked brigade. and depantsed everyone who wasn't naked. her parents must hate me.
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
Randomize
