I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
Randomize
