I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
we should paint friendship bongs
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
