I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
