the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
Randomize
