So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
Randomize
