Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
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