so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
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