y did u give ur computer a hand job?
she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
