He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
Randomize
