she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
I got really high with eric & scott.. they're discussing why words sound the way they do.. it's going to get messy
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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