Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
