I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
Randomize
