I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Randomize
