never play flip cup with pint glasses
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
All I want is dick and wine.
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
I need to align my fucking chakras
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