um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Randomize
