guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
Randomize
