I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
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