My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
Randomize
