hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
does he have a tent? the camping kind not the boner kind.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
Randomize
