First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
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