That was rough. We had a 50% puke rate and 100% still drunk rate at lunch
At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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