I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
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