I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
Randomize
