how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
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