I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
REMEBER. We are young, horny, and poor. If someone wants to give us alcohol... TAKE. IT.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
Randomize
