I CAN MOONWALK!
people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Randomize
