thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
