happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Randomize
