From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
Randomize
