I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
Randomize
