now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
Randomize
