god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
Two words: nipple clamps
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