Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
