waiting in line for my ID. the kid in front of me reaks of hopes and dreams and hornyness-- freshmen by calvin klein
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
Randomize
