How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
Randomize
