Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
Randomize
