Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
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