I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Randomize
