the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
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