great time with ya sorry i wasn't one of the three guys you wanted to stay with
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
I look excited, but its just a facade.
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
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