Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
Randomize
