Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
when does round two start
I don't know, I gave up bartenders for lent
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
