he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
Randomize
