I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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