State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
Randomize
