Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
