did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
When are your genitals available?
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
