Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
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